Up and down, up and down, goes the merry-go-round of life, up and down, round and round. Beneficial things happen, calamitous things happen, pleasant thoughts and feelings occur, dark and/or anxious thoughts and feelings occur and sometimes linger about. Life sometimes has me, to use an eloquent Toad expression, up and down more often than a whore's drawers in a lumber camp on pay night. My life and moods tend to lurch about, with more downs than ups--perhaps more analogous to a roller coaster with a fast, steep ascent (high) followed by a series of precipitous drops punctuated by short, level or slightly rising intervals every few feet.
Since my trip to the U.S.A. in early July the number and frequency of ups and downs seem to have accelerated, creating a nervewracking series of mood swings as my mind careens from one activity to the next, then off to a third and back to the first... I'm easily distracted and often amazed at how quickly time has passed--it seems as if every three days it's Friday again! Just a couple of hours (it seems) after I have cleaned up the kitchen and sat down to either work on one of my projects or try to relax, on my way to the washroom I spy a stack of dirty plates and a cluttered counter and stove. How does that happen??
I've been very unsettled since my return from that extremely stressful journey to and from my hometown. There has been a lot going on. The excitement and turmoil of the American presidential campaign and election, for which my absentee ballot never arrived (I had to find a write-in ballot to download and then pay over $13 to express mail my ballot to Indiana to get it there on time), was unsettling in itself. I have worried a lot about my children as they adjust to their new living situations. Toad and I have scoured mls.com many times looking for a house that we can afford that is not too crappy and have both experienced a lot of stress associated with this house hunt. We have both had health problems that I won't go into here. The husband of a good friend died suddenly, a grim reminder of what is in store for us all, although not necessarily suddenly. Another good friend had a seizure, quite unexpectedly. My truck is once again having problems starting, which I'm convinced is the solenoid...for the third time. I just had this solenoid put on, at triple the cost here compared with the cost in Indiana a few years ago, earlier this year...or was it last year? I can't remember. Time flies, remember?
On top of all the above, and more, I've had a very stressful time with respect to renewing my passport, which expired today, and my application for permanent residence, which requires a valid passport to proceed. I'm still waiting for the new passport to reach me, assuming that it has been, or will be, issued at all--I had to mail my current passport to the USA passport center in Philadelphia with my application for renewal, as there is no overnight delivery service to a post office box, which is the only address available for the passport center! It's been very stressful, considering all the other problems and delays I've experienced with my application for permanent residence. The whole process is so frustratingly slow! I can't find some things that I have either mislaid or someone else has moved. One of those things is the adapter for my new camera's memory card, which I need in order to download the photos. To get another one involves a trip to North Bay and an extra expense that should have been unnecessary. Each time that some new stress is added it gets harder and harder to cope with the anxiety and despair/depression that result. Up and down ... down ... down.
In "up" times I get creative urges that often lead me to propose an idea or join or help start a new organization. During the longer "downs" that inevitably follow the commitment to this new venture I alternate between (or sometimes combine) anxiety and depression/despair over my ability to fulfill expectations placed upon me by myself and/or others. The upside of this drama is that I can and usually do get a lot of creative, worthwhile work done. The downside of this drama is that the mental and physical anguish can and usually does incapacitate me for long periods of time throughout the day(s) prior to each event for which something is expected of me. I turn to books for relaxation and when I'm too cranked up or down to read Mahjong sometimes helps by giving me a focus.
So what's going on now? Well, during a brief manic period last year at a Friends of the Library meeting I proposed creation of a free monthly public education program to draw people to our local library and provide an entertaining, free venue for teaching an eclectic mix of topics while promoting local businesses, artisans and individual community members. This was my baby, my vision, and, while it involves the support of other Friends of the Library members as far as providing refreshments and some of the door prizes, the responsibility for its success or failure rests on my shoulders. The program has been quite successful; the presenters have all done a fine job and have garnered publicity and goodwill in the community, the audience has enjoyed and learned from each talk, and the library is gaining more publicity and enrolling new members. I've worked hard to not only set up and publicize interesting presentations, but to add fun touches such as refreshments (with drinks served in china cups), door prizes, a display of library books with a theme that complements the talk, lots of photos, a newspaper article to document each talk, and thank you cards with photos for the presenters. I've been putting together a scrapbook of publicity flyers, my newspaper articles and photos that I've taken at each presentation. It is hard, but rewarding work.
After the initial organization was accomplished for the first talk the public education program has been fairly simple (not easy, but simple) to run. As long as I have speakers lined up (and they show up!); as long as I have created and posted flyers and have advertised in the Upcoming Events section of the local paper; as long as FOL members bring goodies and make the coffee (not my strong suit); as long as I've obtained or arranged for at least one nice door prize to give away; as long as at least some of my photos turn out; as long as I get the article written and submitted with a suitable photo; as long as I get the photos printed; as long as I get the thank you cards written and enclose at least one photo--the one that was published with the article; as long as all these things take place the program runs just fine. It doesn't take up all of my time, however. Not even in combination with my role at the women's resource center. No, I had a bit of room on my plate for more. And during another manic episode a couple of months ago I took on another worthy cause.
As an animal lover and activist I worry about all the homeless animals left to fend for themselves, especially in cold weather. Toad and I have rescued/adopted several wonderful cats and dogs from the Mattawa area and North Bay. Rufus (who died of old age in February 2007) and Sadie both were adopted from the North Bay and District Humane Society. When Belle and Puddlejump needed a home in North Bay many years ago Toad took them in to spare them going to the humane society. When Toad and I moved into this house in the Mattawa area we rescued an abandoned mother cat and her three kittens, increasing our cat population to eight (counting my boys Tommaso and Spunky, both rescued from the streets of Columbus IN). A year after we had her spayed the mother cat left and never returned; we still have the three "kittens". In October of this year Toad and I rescued Beauregard from the street in downtown Mattawa. We have been told of, and seen, other animals in this area that desperately need a home. There is a great need for someone, some organization, to help homeless animals in this area find food, shelter and a loving family, to work toward affordable spay/neuter services, and to provide public education to encourage people to adopt rescued animals and to properly care for their pets. So when notices began appearing in the newspaper announcing formation of a group to start an animal shelter in Mattawa Toad and I were interested in showing our support for this cause. And you know how it goes, there are always too few people willing to do the work needed to start up and run an organization, no matter how worthy the cause. After telling myself that I would NOT volunteer to take on responsibilities, that I was just going to go to the organizational meeting to show my support for the cause, I found myself raising my hand when the call came to form an ad hoc organizational status committee ( I call us the ahos :D ). My anxiety/despair level escalated dramatically as the roller coaster car that I inhabit (metaphorically speaking) plummeted down a steep grade and swerved from side to side. I know little or nothing about how to set up an organization in Canada. I hate dealing with bureaucratic red tape and filling out forms. What the hell was I thinking??
Once again I had allowed my heart to overrule my mind, to muzzle all my objections and ignore my misgivings, and to volunteer for an undertaking sure to be a tremendous amount of work, a huge responsibility, and a monumental source of anxiety and despair. So for the last two months I have spent many, many hours on research and have agonized over how to make sure that I have all the information that we need to make informed decisions about how to proceed. It has been hell. Following days of preparation for last Thursday night's general meeting, at which I was to present what I had learned so far, I was drained. I still had to create the flyer for this month's public education program, get them printed and post them. Friday I worked for many hours to get the flyers made and posted, vowing that afterward I would take the weekend "off". So far, so good. Except for searching for easy, inexpensive craft ideas to make for the upcoming Christmas Craft Sale at the end of this month, to benefit our animal-shelter-in-the-making.
I'm not the handiest person when it comes to making things, although over the years I have attempted various craft projects. My creativity is more of a mental, conceptual sort, such as thinking up ideas for educational programs and implementing them. In junior high I took Spanish instead of Home Ec. Never did learn to sew worth a darn, despite a sewing class thirty years ago (I made big pajamas for my little daughter) and very infrequent attempts to make a wearable garment for myself or one of my children. I recall making a white and blue, seersucker, polka dot nursing gown while pregnant with my son, and wearing that gown for months and months. I also made a print dress for myself, finished except for attaching the waistband to the blouse. While in university I taught myself the rudiments of knitting and crocheting, and managed to produce part of a knitted sweater, a complete (Yay!) crocheted rug, and a few latchhook rugs from kits back in the 70's. I also began a cross-stitching project nearly thirty years ago that still needs to be finished. That's how crafty I am, although, in my defense, I have been quite busy with work and children and school and multiple volunteer activities for most of my life. I've contributed to society in ways other than making crafts. Surely that counts for something. My tendency toward perfectionism, increasingly poor eyesight and memory, and lack of discretionary income to cover craft supplies and equipment all combine to cause me to avoid jumping in to the handicraft pool now that I am unemployed. Many of the women I have met in this area sew and quilt and/or make crafts, and they often encourage me to join them during their twice-a-week get-togethers in town. I had actually dug out my thirty-year-old cross-stitch project, debating whether to take it to one of the sewing group meetings for advice and help (I have no idea now how to make the stitches), and had located my old sewing machine (the foot pedal thingy is rusted from someone peeing on it), thinking that I might sew a bit, but I haven't done any more than that. I'm still in the thinking stage. That's how crafty I am. But now... now I feel the need to make a craft to donate to our animal-shelter-rescue-in-the-making's table at the upcoming Christmas Craft Sale on November 29 and 30.
Saturday I spent several hours looking for easy, inexpensive crafts to make for the fundraiser, things that won't look too childish or amateurish and that I can actually make, given my level of expertise in handicrafts. I came up with three ideas, very simple ones, but all three require basic sewing skills. Two of them may be possible to stitch by hand, if my sewing machine no longer functions or I can't figure out how to work it after all these twenty-plus years of ignoring it. I have decided to at least make one simple catnip cat toy (please don't laugh...oh, go ahead...I'm grinning like an idiot myself) to see how it goes, with plans to make several to donate if all goes well. Making them by hand will definitely limit how many I can make, given my level of talent and eyesight, but if I have to, I have to. I have some fabric to use. All I need to buy is some fresh catnip to mix in with the stuffing. The directions call for mixing catnip with white uncooked rice, but I'm hesitant to use rice due to concerns for what will happen when the toys get wet. I don't know. I'll have to think about that a bit more. In the meantime I can get started making the fabric bags, leaving a hole to funnel in the filling.
Already I have another idea brewing, actually two ideas, but am trying to contain myself until I least produce one cat toy. One of the ideas is to have a "bean bag"/cat toy toss for kids at the craft show, beside our table, with the bags to be tossed into the mouth of a cat face. The cat face could be painted onto plywood, around the mouth hole ("mouse hole" with a lisp?) and mounted on a stand, with a backdrop to control where the missed tosses end up. Or the cat face could be made from a bucket with attached ears, eyes, nose and whiskers--the bucket hole being the cat's mouth--and the bucket tipped on its side at a 45-degree angle or so. I'm thinking that we could charge a toonie for three tosses, with the prize for getting at least one bag in the mouth (and we could manipulate the game to ensure that each child would win) being one of my awesomely-crafted catnip cat toys to take home for their kitty or to donate to a rescued kitty if they don't have or know a cat to give the toy to this Christmas. Having the toss game would make buying the cat toy a bit more fun and would give us a chance to encourage kids to think about being good to cats, to realize that cats like to play, too.
The other idea I'm considering involves a bit more work on my part but may be doable. I mentioned that I had come up with three ideas for crafts to make and was going to try the cat toy. One of the other ideas is to sew a simple washable fleece "cat mat" pad with batting as filler or perhaps, if I can find and afford it, with a layer of some kind of thermal material. I could ask my sewing friends for advice as to how to keep the filler from bunching up--some kind of stitching to hold it in place, maybe? If I could make a few of these and some catnip cat toys of matching or complementary material we could sell them as a set. It sounds good on paper but the reality of me making such an item is questionable. Doable, but questionable.
The third idea I chose to consider making is a cute pin cushion into which I could stick several straight pins and market as stocking stuffers. It's a thought. But my first attempt at making something will be the catnip cat toy. I need to be able to pull that off before tackling anything more complicated. heh.
What else have I accomplished this "off" weekend? SFA...other than watching a movie with Toad Friday night (we finally saw
Borat), reading half of the library book I checked out Thursday evening
Three Day Road by recent Giller Prize winner Joseph Boyden, doing dishes/kitchen cleanup duties, and making another batch of kickass pumpkin bread. Such indolence.
Winter has come to Mattawa. We have several inches of clean, white snow now, and Dudley & Friends are closed up in the barn. It's dark by 5 pm. The dogs and cats are all sleeping more than usual, even though Puddlejump has developed a taste for my tea--several times a day I see her head in my big teacup, which I leave on the coffee table for her (I have photos but they are trapped in my camera until I find or buy an adapter for the memory card). Toad keeps the basement wood stove burning, a constant but critical chore, so that so far the house is warmer than in our previous two winters here when we tried to get warmth from the oil furnace. He lights the living room wood stove to get the chill off in the cold mornings. Hopefully we have enough wood for the winter. We both have more than enough to keep ourselves occupied this winter. Life is good.
